Battle Scars
by Philote
Summary: Is all of this pain really worth it? Simon tries to explain why he has sacrificed so much so willingly.


Title: Battle Scars

Fandom: Firefly

Author: Piper

E-mail: hyperpiper_019@hotmail.com

Rating: PG

Category: general, drama

Summary: Is all of this pain really worth it? Simon tries to explain why he has sacrificed so much so willingly.

Spoilers: "Objects in Space" and pretty much everything else

Disclaimer: The characters and situations of _Firefly_ do not belong to me. I make no money from this story.

Author's Note: This is set shortly after "Objects in Space." This is my first effort to write in this fandom, though I have watched and enjoyed the show from the start. I definitely miss it. This is really just a little fic to allow me to explore the characters and their relationships. I hope you enjoy it.

~*~

Simon grimaced.

He was learning that having a bullet wound in one's leg was a serious hindrance to mobility. It was requiring an enormous amount of effort just to walk, or rather limp, around the infirmary. He was tired, he was in pain, and his infirmary was a mess from the repair work Zoe and Wash had done on him the night before. All in all, it was making him fairly cranky and a little clumsy. A tray slipped from his hand and he instinctively twisted to catch it, causing shooting pain through his leg. He gasped and had to catch himself with a hand on the counter.

"Ya okay there, Doc?"

He groaned. "Fine," he responded through gritted teeth. If there was one person he didn't have the strength to deal with right now, it was Jayne. Why did the 'verse just seem to have it in for him?

"Good, 'cause I need your expertise." It was said sarcastically, but Simon knew that Jayne wouldn't be here if he didn't want something. He sighed in resignation and turned to face the mercenary.

He was surprised to find him limping towards the exam table. "Sympathy pains, Jayne? I didn't know you cared."

"Don't flatter yourself, Doc," the big man grunted as he hauled himself up onto the table. "I think I broke my toe."

Simon limped towards him and pulled up a stool, gratefully taking the weight off of his leg. "Dare I ask how?" he asked dryly as he leaned over to examine the digit in question.

"Well, Shepherd and I was workin' with the weights, and I was pickin' up this barbell and—Ow!" he exclaimed as Simon probed the toe, which was turning lovely shades of purple.

"I'm fairly certain those are meant to be lifted by hand, not foot," Simon threw in.

"Oh, funny. Like you got so much experience with weights!" Jayne shot back. After a moment as he endured Simon's examination, he added, "You're awful cheeky this mornin'." 

Simon paused, then sighed and turned his head to glance at Jayne's face. "Yes, I suppose I am." He shook his head. He really should know better than to provoke Jayne. "I'm sorry." Before Jayne could respond he turned back to the injured toe. "Can you wiggle it?"

He waited as Jayne tried to do so. The bruising stretched from the second and third toes across the top of his foot, but the second toe had obviously taken the brunt of the weight. Simon watched as the other toes curled, including slight movement by the third one, while the second one didn't budge. Jayne was wincing from the effort. "All right," the doctor announced after a moment. "I think you're right. It's broken."

"Great. Can't you fix it or somethin'?"

"Well, it isn't exactly a convenient bone to break. It isn't as if I can just put a cast on it." He paused to take a breath, then pushed himself up off of the stool. "I'll have to tape it to the big toe to keep it immobile while it heals. I can give you a shot for the pain."

Jayne bristled at the insinuation that he couldn't handle the pain. "Don't need a shot."

Simon winced as he turned and moved to the nearby drawers. "There's no shame in needing a little pain medication, Jayne. There's no reason to hurt when you don't have to."

"You're one to talk, Doc."

Simon shuffled a few items to find the tape before turning back to Jayne. "What are you talking about?" 

"You seem to be in a bit a pain yourself. You tellin' me you got pain medicine in ya?"

"I took a mild pain reliever," he responded, annoyed that his patient was trying to diagnose him.

"I think ya might be needin' somethin' a little less mild."

"And when exactly did you get a medical degree?" he snapped. "I'm fine." He tried his best to eliminate the limp as he returned to the stool. 

"Whatever you say."

Simon settled on the stool, gasping slightly as his leg bumped against the bed. He glanced up to find Jayne giving him an I-told-you-so look. He ignored him and set to work taping the toe. It's possible that he wasn't as gentle as he could have been. After enduring a few minutes Jayne said through gritted teeth, "Maybe I will take that shot."

Simon stopped, silently chastising himself for using Jayne's pain against him. He knew better, and he usually acted better. He retrieved the shot with a bit more limping and injected it, waiting for it to take effect before starting to wind the tape again.

"So," Jayne said conversationally, obviously feeling better now that he was feeling very little. He gestured to Simon's leg. "Ya got your first battle wound, huh?"

"I suppose. My first that will leave a physical scar, anyhow. I wouldn't call it my first wound," he said quietly, attention still on his work.

"Yeah. I guess it wouldn't be." 

Simon paused at that, surprised to hear a hint of understanding from the mercenary. Then he shook himself, thinking that Jayne couldn't possibly understand, and went back to work. "I'm sure it won't be my last," he commented, meaning to close the conversation.

"I'd imagine not…can I ask you a question, Doc?"

Simon sighed. "Why not?"

"Why do ya do it?"

He finished wrapping the tape and turned to face Jayne, confused. "I'm sorry?"

"Well, I'm bettin' ya never had more than a paper cut back in your fancy home growin' up. And ya had it made, what with comin' from money and becomin' a doctor and all. And you're really good at it—I mean, I saw what you can do on Ariel. But ya gave all that up and came out here, where ya been beat up, kidnapped, shot…and probably other stuff I'm forgettin' right now. Why?"

Simon was surprised that Jayne seemed to be honestly interested in this. "Well, you know why. River."

That didn't seem to be a satisfactory answer. "I know, I know; ya had to save the crazy girl. But why?"

"She's my sister, Jayne."

"Yeah. But she's your folks' daughter too. They didn't care to be of help, right?"

By all rights, that should have ticked Simon off. But something about Jayne's approach to this said that he wasn't trying to upset him. Besides, he was right. "Yes. Well…" He shook his head. He still couldn't explain or begin to reconcile his father's behavior to himself, let alone to Jayne. "They had their reasons, I guess. It didn't matter to me. Someone had to protect her."

"So…it's about responsibility? You feel like ya gotta take care of her?"

Simon started to shake his head, then stopped himself and considered it. "That's part of it, I suppose. I am supposed to take care of her. I'm her big brother; it's my job. I should have been taking care of her."

Something seemed to click in Jayne's mind. "You feel guilty about what happened to her?"

"No!" was his automatic response. But he knew even as he said it that it wasn't true. "Maybe," he admitted a moment later.

"I don't see how it was your fault," Jayne stated.

Simon was a little surprised to hear such an affirmation from Jayne, of all people. He blinked at the big man for a few seconds before he responded. "Realistically I know that it wasn't but…I don't know. I guess emotions aren't always realistic. But I'm not out here as an Alliance fugitive out of guilt."

"Then why?"

Simon hesitated, forced to think about his motives for the first time in a while. His life had become about the actions of protecting River: from the Alliance, from any threats they happened to meet, from herself…he went through the motions without thinking about why. When it came down to it, there was only one very simple reason. "I love her."

Jayne simply stared at him, not seeming to understand how that was proper reason to throw oneself into the line of fire.

Simon continued, "She's my little sister and my best friend, and I care for her. It hurts to think that I'm the only one who does. I really wish you all could have known her before. She was this magnificent, brilliant little girl who was good at almost anything she touched," he smiled wistfully as he spoke, going back mentally to a much happier time. "You've never met anyone so thrilled by the simple act of experiencing life. She could dance and just feel the music and bring it to life. She was so special." The smile disappeared and he frowned at his choice of words. "She still is special. I see glimpses of the girl she used to be, but so much of the time she's just a shell…they took so much away from her. She deserved so much better. I'd give anything to give all that potential and happiness back to her."

There were a few minutes of silence as Jayne contemplated what he had heard. "You love your sister," he said slowly. Simon nodded wordlessly. "And for that, you give up all that money and respect, start livin' like a crook on the run, and get yourself all scarred with bullets?"

"Yeah, I guess I do." Simon watched him curiously. He wouldn't have expected Jayne to be asking him about this at all, and he honestly didn't expect him to understand. That he was making so much of an effort was surprising. "Been thinking about this a lot, have you?" 

"Nah, just makin' conversation is all," Jayne protested.

And yet he still sat there long after he could have escaped from Simon's presence. The doctor felt compelled to add, "River has been through hell, you know. Sometimes I think she's still there in her mind. But she's survived everything those bastards did to her _and_ everything since we came aboard Serenity. What I've given up myself, be it prestige or blood, is nothing in comparison."

"I don't think it's quite nothin', Doc." This was new. Simon had never seen compassion in Jayne's eyes directed at him, but he would swear there was a touch of it now. The mercenary continued, "She's survived, yeah. But the way I see it, she had to change an awful lot to do it."

"Well, yes. She had to find a way to cope so she could live with everything. But she is still alive, and that's what I have to hold on to." 

Jayne was obviously thinking along other lines. "And you're not afraid all this is changin' you? Not physically, I mean."

Simon knew exactly what he meant. He'd never thought himself capable threatening a life, let alone shooting a gun with intent to kill. He was probably wracking up a few emotional scars that he generally tried not to think about. He finally said, "No, I know it is. But I'm not retreating from reality like River has. I guess I just look at it as me finally growing up. Losing that childish naivete about the world and learning to cope with reality."

"So all of this pain that you put yourself through—you're tellin' me it's worth it?"

Simon smiled, realizing that that was exactly what he was saying. It gave him an odd sense of peace. "Yes. I may have lost some things, but…I think I'm stronger. And if any sacrifice I make can help me give River back even part of what she was, it was worth it. A few scars on my part aren't ever going to touch that love."

Jayne looked thoughtful, if still a little confused. He nodded slowly. "Thanks for fixin' the toe."

"No problem," Simon responded, standing to give him a hand off the table. He winced again at the reawakened pain in his leg.

Jayne shuffled towards the door. "Oh, and Doc? You can take some stronger painkillers. Nothin's gonna happen to your sister if you're a bit out of sorts for a few hours."

Simon blinked, surprised yet again. So surprised that he almost forgot a question he wanted to ask. Almost. "Hey, Jayne?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you say something about me being a good doctor?"

Jayne turned at the door to stare at him for a moment, then shook his head. "Better get those ears checked, Doc. You're hearin' things."

But the doctor knew his ears were fine. And he was beginning to see that Jayne Cobb had more layers than most people gave him credit for. As the mercenary walked away from the infirmary, Simon Tam smiled.


End file.
